I’ve been seeing a lot of people recently opening up and sharing their experiences with infertility lately. And it’s comforting to know that people are opening up more and more about their experiences and building communities of support. Even when those people are strangers it’s comforting to know that your experience is shared. The thing that is sometimes hardest, is that once you find your community, once you figure out who is going through this with you, you slowly but surely lose your people – and it’s the best when you lose them because it means that the thing they’ve been hoping for has happened, that they are going to be parents and you truly are happy for them – and it’s the worst when you lose them, because you want so badly what they got.
For Sean and I it’s been nearly 4 years of trying – 4 years of doctor’s appointments, drugs, surgery, tears, acupuncture, herbal supplements, prenatal vitamins, tracking temperatures, ovulation tests, scheduled sex (super romantic, in case you were wondering), periods that start 2 hours after you finally break down and take that pregnancy test when you are already days late… and of course more tears.
And then, earlier this year I gave up – I was done. I was ready to give up my dream of being a parent, and move on with my life. We’d go on nice holidays and eat nice dinners out… it wasn’t the life I’d hoped for, but we don’t always get what we hope for. The emotional investment in our never ending battle with infertility was more than I could give of myself anymore. I could finally accept that I’d need to find happiness elsewhere. But Sean wasn’t there yet – so I kept going through the motions, for him, but my heart wasn’t in it anymore. We signed up to start IVF this fall, and we agreed to do one round before we called it a day and moved on with our lives.
And then two months ago everything changed… the stick finally showed the faintest line indicating a positive pregnancy test. I came downstairs sobbing so hard I couldn’t even tell Sean why – I just held it out and he stared at it in disbelief. And we both cried, and hugged, and laughed.
We’re due at Christmas this year. Best. Christmas. Present. EVER.
If there’s one thing I’ve realized since finding out I was pregnant, it’s that even though I’m finally no longer struggling with infertility, in my heart I will never forget what it was like to be there. So if you are still going through it, I know that even though you are happy for me, you’re also hurting – and I get it. I SO get it. I always will. Know that my heart is with you, hoping that one way or another you will move past this someday.
