Something started the day after I got married – people warned me that it would happen – and it’s not that I didn’t believe them, it’s more one of those things like child birth – people can tell you until your ears bleed, but until you experience it for yourself, you can’t quite understand how true it is, and how bothersome it might in fact become.
The thing I am referring to is my apparent freakdom in being a married 30-something, with a house, a good job, and a dog – and no children. To those of you who have been here, like I said – it’s not that I didn’t believe you - it’s that I didn’t really understand how deeply frustrating peoples questions can become.
To one nosy person who would not let up, I finally used a friend’s recommended response “Whatever happens happens”, nonchalantly with a shrug of the shoulders. This should have been the end of it – right? Oh no – this was taken as a cue to continue fishing by stating that’s what they had said when they were trying. Does that mean you’re trying? I finally said “Well, it’s kind of an awkward question” and got up and left. I thought that would be the end of it, but this person still takes the opportunity to remark every single time anything to do with babies comes up.
For this reason I have decided to do something I normally don’t do here. I’m making a Top Reasons List. Here are the top 5 reasons you shouldn’t ask if someone is going to have kids.
1. It is none of your business – if it is your business, your friend/acquaintance/family member… will tell you.
2. If you don’t know the person well enough to know if they are interested in having kids, you probably don’t know them well enough to know all the reasons that question might be terribly painful or awkward for them to answer – Are you prepared for that person to respond with any of the following responses?:
a. We’ve been trying really long time with no luck
b. We can’t have kids
c. I’ve had an abortion
d. I’ve had a miscarriage (or several)
If your answer to any of these is “No” – then DON’T ASK. Chances are the person you are talking to is too polite to make you feel uncomfortable by responding in any of these ways – so why don’t you return the favour?
3. Not all 30 something women want kids. Just because I enjoy the smell of a new baby’s head, or coo at a cute baby photo does not mean I want my own, or maybe just not yet. We are not broken vessels because of this.
4. Asking is rarely going to be appreciated by the party whose privacy you are invading. In my experience most women have one of two responses to repeatedly being asked if they are going to have children – annoyance at being repeatedly asked or sadness at being reminded of something that might be difficult for them to deal with. Maybe there are childless 30 something women out there who feel differently, but I don’t think I know them and I certainly haven’t heard from them on this topic.
5. It is none of your business. I’m saying it again because it bares repeating.It is none of your business. Got it?
