May they someday, somehow find some peace

I still remember where I was the moment I found out about the shootings at a highschool in Columbine. I was in my first year of University, and I was sitting in the cafeteria when someone asked with disbelief "Did you guys here what happened today?" We were shocked - how does a highschool student get a hold of a gun, bring it to school and walk around the school shooting people? How on any sane planet does this happen? All I could think about was my younger brother, then a grade ten student. I thought about how it would feel to find out that this had happened at his school. The pain I can muster up just imagining this scenario as part of my reality nearly suffocates me. I literally have trouble breathing when I think about this happening to my family.

Flash forward 12? 13? years, and enough of these types of tragedies that I've lost count. I don't have kids, but my husband is a middle school teacher... I think about this happening at his school and that choking feeling starts to sneak back up on me. I can't even begin to fathom what it might feel like to actually live through something this horrendous.

What rational could possibly justify one person's right to bear arms over a child's right to feel safe attending school... I know, I know, the constitution says so, but something tells me that if the men who penned the American constitution knew where their words would someday lead their country they would be ashamed. Not of themselves, but of their future countrymen's inability to adapt to different times and circumstances, and to understand that they never intended for you or I to walk into a Target outlet and buy a handgun. They intended for the population to have the right and ability to defend itself against the government should the need arise. Our current situation is a perversion of their vision. It's time to smarten up and get with the times, and quit hiding behind a document that is over 200 years old.

Tonight my prayers go out to the victims, their families, the children and teachers who witnessed this unimaginable tragedy. May they someday, somehow find some peace.

Hang in there, it will all be whorthwile down the road

I've been silent in the blogosphere for so long I assumed my little blog had probably disapeared into the abys of the world wide web, never to be seen again, but here it is just waiting for my return. I'm a very all or nothing kind of girl. So if I can't commit to doing something regularly I'm very prone to giving up projects all together. Lately I've had these twinges of wanting to write... not necessarily about food and body issues, which is what this blog was initially about, just about my thoughts on things. Well what the hell... I'm back and am going to write whatever and whenever I feel like it. There will probably still be a lot about food and body issues because I think about both those things A LOT. But there will also be other things, personal things. In my last blog post I talked about an old acquaintance from University and her blog... she's actually become a big inspiration to me. Her blog is so open and honest; so I've decided to set that as my one and only bar for this new version of my blog: tell the truth. So here it goes...

The thing that inspired me to come back here was a list I stumbled across on pinterest, entitled "10 Books Every Girl Should Read in her 20s". Well, I'm not in my 20s anymore, but I do love books and I wondered if I'd read any of them. The one that really struck me was What I Know Now: Letters to My Younger Self by Ellyn Spragins. It got me thinking about what I would want to tell that girl if I could go back... to be really useful I'd probably have to go back to age 13 or 14 and talk to that girl, because if I had to pinpoint an age where I really started needing someone to tell me to smarten up, that would be it. If I could write that letter, it would probably go something like this:

Dear Shawn,

Wear that belly shirt now... you may as well while you can. But while we're on that topic, love your body. It will grow and change, it will get soft, it will crease and mark and scar. It will be many things and mean many things - but most of all it will be your home, learn to honour it no matter what it looks like.

Girls will be mean. Don't be. Also, don't take it personally. It really has nothing to do with you, but more importantly, you will get over it.

The divorce might seem like the end of the world now, but it is the best thing that ever happened to the 4 of you.

Stop wasting your time on that guy... and that one... and that one... and that one... he will NEVER love you. That voice in your head is actually right, you really are too smart, pretty, good, etc. Stop worrying... when you do find him it will be SO worth the wait. I promise.

Enjoy University - you will never again get to spend your time reading books and writting about them. It really is an amazing opportunity... stop wasting it procrastinating. Don't buckle down too hard though... there's a lot of fun to be had. Oh, and those nights you spent up all night writting a paper at the very last second? Still do that... those sunrises will be some of your most cherished experiences.

Keep in touch with people - you will miss them.

Stop waiting for "real" life to start - it started years ago.

I love you... more than you have the capacity to love yourself right now.

Shawn

Here's the thing - If I had a Back to the Future-esque time machine, and could actually deliver this letter to my younger self I absolutely would not. It's fun to look back and muse on the things I could have done better if I'd known better, but in the end if I hadn't gone through those experiences then I wouldn't be where I am now. So I guess the only thing I really would say to 13 year old me is this: hang in there, it will all be worthwhile down the road.