Bye for now...

I wanted to write a little follow up to my last post. Overall, I'm doing better - thanks to all of you who sent your love and support in a myriad of different ways. It meant the world. Truly.

A week and a half ago I took a trip down memory lane, back to the town where I finished high school. I only spent two and half years of my life there - but I made some of the best friends I can imagine having. Despite total neglect of our friendships, Laura and Katherine will be friends for life - of that I have no doubt. I picked Laura up from work on Saturday, and despite not having spoken to each other outside Facebook in roughly 12 years, it was as if no time had passed. We did a tour of our little town - featuring the 2 screen movie theater (where I worked once upon a time), the library, the high school and the only Chinese restaurant in town... you know, the old haunts. We stayed up till 2 in the morning, drinking wine and catching up. All in all it was a great weekend, and I'm so glad I took the time to revisit that part of my life.


The thing is, even though I'm doing better, I'm still feeling pretty off - I don't know what else to call it. I've lost my bearings a little bit. And if I'm being really honest, 3 years of trying to have kids without any success is definitely having an impact - a much larger one than I've admitted to myself until recently.

Then Adam died - and like I said last time, his presence was not part of my life in the present - so it's not that I'm missing him... but he's the 2nd friend from that time in my life, who was murdered in a random act of violence in the last 6 years. And I'm having trouble believing in the things I have always believed in. I know terrible things happen in the world all the time, but I've been pretty sheltered from that knowledge in any kind of tangible way. I've always believed that we can impact change in the world - I believe in doing things that are bigger than ourselves, that we may never see the impact of... I believe in taking care of the environment even though I might not be around to see the end result, I believe in feminism because I want all of our kids to grow up in a world where their gender has no impact on their ability to live their lives however they want, I believe in the company I work for because I know that creating an economy that is accessible to us all is the only way to truly begin to address financial inequity. But lately I'm having trouble seeing the point, feeling the passion, believing that the end result is worth all the hard work. I'm going through the motions, and it's exhausting.

Here's where I'm going with all of this - I need to make some changes to take care of myself more. And one of those changes is to get off Facebook and social media for a while - because while there is a lot of good news on Facebook, the overwhelming majority of information I'm taking in there is negative. I need to just let the world be the world for a little while, without taking it all in.

So call, or text, or even get me through messenger... but I won't be checking in here for a while. If I don't see you in the real world, I'll be back, when I feel strong enough to take on the world again.